How did i get here?!?
I first felt that cliche lump after I finished nursing my daughter. I was 34. I put off getting it checked for a few months because there was no way it could be that kind of lump. When I finally went in my OBGYN thought it was likely a benign cyst that’s common after breast feeding but put in a mammogram referral for good measure.
Again, I took my time going in for the mammogram because I had to go across the bay and set up babysitting (with my 80 and 86 yo grandparents :)).
The referral was nice but felt like a complete waste of time.
The mammogram on the other hand, felt like a barbaric torture machine. When the tech could see the lump on the reading, she asked if I could stay longer for an ultrasound—again, just for good measure.
All of my naive feelings were punctured though as I looked at the face of the nurse while she completed my ultrasound. She tried to be neutral but I could see right through it. When she asked if I was willing to have a needle biopsy right then, I finally broke down. Not the ugly cry—that would come later—just streaming tears of disbelief. This was supposed to be a quick in and out appointment and a complete waste of my out-of-pocket deductible. Not even close.
As I think back, the hardest part was waiting and knowing the answer without officially knowing. My OBGYN was also a newer friend. The Sunday after my mammo/ultrasound, she texted first thing to see if we could get together. That wasn’t something she normally did at the time. She had gotten the results back and had to take on the task of delivering the news.
While that was one of the hardest days of my life, I realize there are very few people who have a cancer diagnosis delivered with care and built in support. It will always hurt but I am forever grateful for the entirety of that memory.
From there I sprung into action—had a double mastectomy, chemo and remission celebration party! I started Tamoxifen and was introduced to my first dose of perimenopause. It was cute. Neck up hot flashes, slightly lighter periods, fluctuating libido and little extra work to get my abs tight—the nerve!
Everything was chugging along as it should. I was used to fewer dr appointments, my hot flashes were a thing of the past and I really only thought about cancer when I felt like thinking about it. But then I felt a lump again. In basically the same place!
I was OUTRAGED! How could this happen again? I sprung back into action but was so angry every. step. of. the. way. This time it was another surgery, radiation, ovarian suppression (aka medically induced menopause) and Verzenio.
My hormonal changes have been raging to catch up with my full on menopause state. It’s not cute this time and it hasn’t been fun. The more I learn the more perplexed I am that more of us can talk about anything other than menopause. I mean, WTF?!
As a cancer survivor, my transition into menopause has been a different one. This is NOT what I expected of my life at 40. But here I am. So I hope to figure out the best ways to be positive about this new phase and am using this name (Pausitive Outlook) as a gentle daily reminder that there are great things that come from this transition. I just need a little help from friends (like you) to know that it does indeed get better.
